Trying to Breathe

I once read on a blog JUST BREATHE And I never knew quite what that was about ... Untill now

Well im trying to breath but the water just keeps comming in the deeper I breath the more water comes in (see below)

I have alot of HUGE tough choices to make in the next few days which will determine the the next 10-13 years of the most important people of my life the choices are very complex and will dertimine the future of my life...

I never thought that it would be this tough and I have put on a happy face and said I dont care if she leaves ( BIG LIE ) I want to support her and make her happybut I don't know if I can ( or am capable. This has broken me in a way I'LL never be the same. Iv taken on alot of challenges in my life (Navy, leaving my family,building jeeps ) I can learn to do anything except make Her happy. Iv taught my self computers, auto mechanics, landscaping,Welding



My question for tonight is....
Why can't I learn how to do this?

My journey

I entered the water willingly without a fear in the world Im brave and fear nothing....I felt it invelope me and I felt secure and happy then the water got rough very rough like the water wanted me out then it would suck me back in only to toss me and bash me against the rocks again . I still felt secure but straingly could not get out I was addicted and never wanted to get out. The water would calm again and I could enjoy the way it ingulfed me and ride the swells up anddown and enjoy all it had to offer the safty and the comfort it provided. I would sink just untill my eyes were above the surface. It felt incredible and I never wanted to be away...


I found my self away from shore and could no longer see land For the first time in my life I was scared no petrified. I felt the sea turning again this time tryin to finish me. Each wave pounding me holding me under just letting me up for half breaths.the Sea got stronger and I got weaker I could no longer swim I tried to float but that only lasted so long untill I could no longer hold My head above water.. After several failed attempts to get my arms to pull my self up to taste the sweet air once again...I took a breath and let it do to me which it had tried before I took it in burning and cold in my lungs

That which made me strong and safe had finally done me in as I sank down my last thought was Why so Arrogant Why so drunk with bravery ( nothing could hurt me ) I returned to which I came changed and never the same.

My journey

again I feel sadness A sadness that overwhelms me

The signs were there but I went forward in a way that only blind people( or the fearless/stupid) can see. I should have done better I should have faced it head on and now I have lost something that was so precious that i may never fully recover

I will never be the same

I have grown and learned many things but Ill never be the same person I was ( nor do I want to be )

I hope you find happiness I hope you find joy but I can never be HIM again .......